Jdeere6910 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Recently with government spending cuts, parent teacher groups have expressed concerns over staff:pupil ratios on school trips. However it appears that maths departments and trips to France haven't yet been affected. Bad taste? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 maths question of the day, If a 30 year old teacher takes a 15 year old girl 120 miles to France at an average speed of 40mph, how many years will he get in prison? 30+15=69 I was told at school that 30 won't go into 15, guess there are exceptions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allis8550 Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 The BRITISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, however, security levels may have to be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have also been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of London in 1666. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris.watson Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 this is courtesy of mr doug pots in this months farmers guide.... apparently this is a true story from the roll royce staff magazine. scientists at rolls royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of jet airliners and military jets travelling at maximum velocity. the idea is to simulate the the frequent incidents of collisions with birds and aircraft, so that they can test the strenght of the windscreens. american engineers heard about the gun and were eager to use it to test on their high speed trains. arrangements were made and the gun was sent over to the u.s.a and the yank engineers got to work using the weapon. when they fired the gun they stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, through the reinforced windscreen, smashing it to bits, blasted through the operators consol, leaving a massive hole in the seat, and embedded itself in the rear wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. the horrified yanks sent rolls royce the disastrous results of their test and asked what they could do to make the next test any better. rolls royce sent this reply.... TRY DEFROSTING THE CHICKEN!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Entered a Jimmy Saville look-a-like competion and came second. Close, but no cigar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 The DVLA know every car on the road that does not have a current road fund tax disc, the Home Office for immigration does not know the whereabouts of 48 thousand illegal immigrants. Perhaps the DVLA and the Home Office should swap jobs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows, because the lightbulb always outlasts them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britainswomble Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 An old and topical joke for this time of year. A man (Of un-specific origins!) goes to his local church to hear the Sunday sermon, The parish priest has decided to lecture the congregation about the evils of the demon booze, He has in front of him a glass of water and a glass of Tesco's special blend Whisky. He says to the congregation, "Now I want to demonstrate the evil effects of alcohol" He says "Here I have a simple earthworm and I'll show you what I mean" He dips the earthworm in the glass of water and pulls it out again, wriggling happily away, He then says, "Now watch what happens when I put the worm in this devils brew, He dips the worm in the whisky and pulls it out............... it's stone dead. The priest holds up the dead worm and asks the congregation "Now what does that tell you" The silence is broken by a small red faced old man who stands up and shouts, "If you drink whisky....... you don't get worms! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niels Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 An Englishman watches two Irish blokes dig a hole besides the road and sees how they fill it in again, after they finished digging it. He goes on to ask why they are filling it up again and one of the lads replies saying; we're putting in wireless internet! Originally the joke came with 2 Belgian's (which we Dutch always mock), but you have the Irish for that . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 ...and the Irish have the English!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 An Englishman watches two Irish blokes dig a hole besides the road and sees how they fill it in again, after they finished digging it. He goes on to ask why they are filling it up again and one of the lads replies saying; we're putting in wireless internet! Originally the joke came with 2 Belgian's (which we Dutch always mock), but you have the Irish for that . This reminded me of true story (not a joke) I was told back in the early 1970s, when I was a student, and one of the others of the course was from Mauritius in the Indian Ocean. The island had high unemployment, apart from the main sugar cane cutting season, and the Mauritius government had public works projects to improve the island's infrastructure and create jobs between cane crops. One year they were digging trenches along the roads for mains drains or electric cables (I forget which now). From about halfway through the project onwards, every evening the workers knocked off, had a meal and drank some home brewed rum, and then crept back at night, and shovelled most of the earth back into the ditches. They wanted to make sure the jobs lasted for a few more months! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 An Englishman watches two Irish blokes dig a hole besides the road and sees how they fill it in again, after they finished digging it. He goes on to ask why they are filling it up again and one of the lads replies saying; we're putting in wireless internet! Originally the joke came with 2 Belgian's (which we Dutch always mock), but you have the Irish for that . Isn't this what Sean does all day!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Duz tha speak Yarkshire? A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ...................................................................................... A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" .................................................................................................. A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!" The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin". ................................................................................... Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" .................................................................................... Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is now called "E by gum" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for some length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asked the wife to stand. He embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!' I bet Iceland are starting to regret hiring Stacey Soloman for their advertising campaign. I just found out the radish sauce I bought from Tesco contains traces of horse. When is it going to end? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Breaking news "HMV vouchers now accepted at Tesco" just tell them they are "Horse Meat Vouchers"!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tommy Gough Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I had to go to hospital after eating one of the teco horse burgers. Dont worry, im in a stable condition now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Blockbuster are the latest high street name to go into administration. I'll have a P45 please Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 well at least they now know where "shergar" went Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS. Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 New releases at blockbuster this week... The staff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 i was in tesco cafe ordering my food and the waitress asked if i wanted anything on my burger.... so i had a fiver each way...... i selected some burgers from tesco website last night ..... i then clicked on "add to cart" just been to the fridge to check the burgers i got from tesco....... AND THERE"RE OFF!!!!! breaking news traces of zebras found in tesco barcodes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMB Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 i was in tesco cafe ordering my food and the waitress asked if i wanted anything on my burger.... so i had a fiver each way...... i selected some burgers from tesco website last night ..... i then clicked on "add to cart" just been to the fridge to check the burgers i got from tesco....... AND THERE"RE OFF!!!!! breaking news traces of zebras found in tesco barcodes... I've seen variations of some of these all over the internet, but still chuckled Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 theres been all sorts flying round via text today, some way to crude to post on here to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Friend of mine had the burgers from Tesco's but they gave him the trots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 i thought my tesco burger had been cooked on a george foreman grill, turns out they were marks from the jockeys whip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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