Powerstarâ„¢ Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Classic John :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 A Tune & A Strepsil walk in to a pub and the Tune kicks the strepsil in the face and says watch it this is my patch keep off, The bar man goes to the Tune I would watch out if I was you, he's menthol! Nudist colony gets broken in to - police are looking in to it Matress factory burns down - police are springing in to action Local police are looking for a serial killer who rides a bike apparently he's a cyclepath :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 :D :D :D :D all quality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 dare I risk being non-PC.....? A blind man, enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks > >past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! what are you doing?" > > > > > >The koala says"Smoking a joint, come up and have some." > >So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have > >a few joints. > > > > > >After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to > >get a drink from the river. > > > >The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into > >the river. > >A >crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him > >to the side, then asks the little lizard, > > > >"What's the matter with you?" > >The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking > >a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into > >the river while taking a drink. > > > >The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain > >forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and > >he looks up and says - "Hey you!" > > > >The koala looks down and says: > > > >"Fuuuuuuuuuk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 BRILLIANT, just brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Some absolute crakcers there lads - thanks ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Dan might appreciate this one Dear Technical Support, > > > >18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, >which > >I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently > >conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try >and > >run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. > > > >To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several >other > >applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. > >Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. > > > >I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left >a > >virus in my system, >forcing me to shut down completely for several >weeks. > > > >Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the >same > >time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other > >they caused severe damage to my hardware. > > > >I eventually upgraded to Fianc? 1.0, only to discover that this product > >soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to >use > >up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreesexPlus >and > >Cleanhouse2005. > > > >Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be >very > >unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically >stored > >in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced > >months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an > >automatic Diary, >Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, > > >launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. > >These latter products have no Help files,and I have to try to guess what >the problem is. > > > >Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, >requiring > >ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs >to > >be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to > >my BMW hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an >irritating > >pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. > > > >Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be > >problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 > >detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your assets before > >uninstalling itself. > > > >Help requested please? > > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 brilliant just brill ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Oh good lord that was good :D :D FreesexPlus :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 A couple for the Irish lads: The difference between GAA & Soccer 1) The GAA player who played in front of 80,000 at the weekend will be teaching your children, selling you meat or fixing your drains on Monday morning. The soccer player who plays in front of 80,000 will be moaning about playing too many games and will be trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear 2) GAA nicknames are better. Soccer players just add a Y to their surnames 3) Dublin vs Meath is a real derby. What does Utd. Vs City mean to Ronaldo or Sibierski 4) How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer eleven. One to stick it in and ten to surround and kiss him after he does it 5) Soccer players go to the papers after a game. GAA players go to the pub 6) John Terry would run a mile if he came up against Francie Bellew 7) GAA teams are numbered 1-15. A soccer team reads like the lottery results All soccer players wear shin pads. Some hurlers wear helmets 9) Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA 10) The GAA is about where you're from. Soccer is about who you like 11) No segregation at GAA games 12) No soccer team has a nickname quite as lovely as the Fighting C0cks of Carlow 13) A scoreless draw in the GAA would be quite a novelty 14) Roman Abramovich can buy the League. You can't buy Sam!! 61 things that culchies love: 1 A nice bit of ham. 2 Buttered biscuits. 3 Diggin Houles. 4 Saying its too cold to snow 5 Pretending to know about The Ra 6 Tayto Cheese & Onion 7 Pretending they're in The Ra. 8 A stretch in the evenings 9 Lucozade 10 Accordians 11 Pretending to like Holy Week. 12 A dinner dance 13 Gettin clattered in muck. 14 Shania Twain. 15 Hefers 16 Spittin in their hands before doing anything manual 17 Steel toe caps. 18 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips. 19 Eating sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA 20 Saying someones 'Opened a Book' on something 21 The smell of fresh dung. 22 Slice-Your-Own Loaf. 23 Work Clothes 24 A bottle of mineral. 25 Fightin'. 26 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered 27 'The' Hurling/Fitball. 28 Being overweight. 29 Weemin wha resemble Hefers. 30 Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup of tae. 31 Drink driving. 32 Red diesel 33 The Fear of Change. 34 A nice bit of Barnbrac 35 Lying. 36 Building Walls 37 Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack of food 38 Pretending to like mass 39 Talking about sh1te like Flax and the Corncrake. 40 A good blackthorn walkin stick. 41 Shouting 'Yeeeeeoooo' when something good happens. 42 Mohammed Ali. 43 Machinery. 44 Strange uppy-downy walks. 45 A good f**kin read of Irelands Own. 46 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead. 47 Scandal, as long as its about other people. 48 Turf, because Sentirl heatin's for weemin. 49 Soda farls 50 Sponge 'n Custirt 51 Newmerica', and anything to do with it. 52 Givin the dog the wildest baytins. 53 Givin the wife the wildest baytins. 54 The Ra. 55 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle. 56 Wrecking the house whilst steaming. 57 Club Orange 58 Rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner 59 The Foot & Mouth. 60 Aetin' a big feed of spuds. 61 TK Red Lemonade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 good James!! :D :D the auto censor spoilt some of the jokes! :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex: #10 - A below par performance is considered damn good. # 9! - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. # 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot. # 7 - Foursomes are encouraged. # 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior. # 5 - Three times a day is possible. # 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else. # 3 - If you live in Florida/Arizona, you can do it almost every day. # 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the # 1 - reason why Golf is bett! Er than Sex... If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 good James!! :D :D the auto censor spoilt some of the jokes! :( Better now ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Udimore that was hillarious mate! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Another few: These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one. ________________________________________ Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. ________________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ________________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ______________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. _______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. _________________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? _________________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ________________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ________________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ________________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ____________________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ___________________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ___________________________________________ Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ___________________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 - Simply fantastic... the best joke on here - almost fallen off my chair with those - well done and thanks for making my day ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 keep up the good work ! Lookout, I've got some awful ones..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Dan might appreciate this one Dear Technical Support, > > > >18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, >which > >I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently > >conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try >and > >run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. > > > >To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several >other > >applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. > >Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. > > > >I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left >a > >virus in my system, >forcing me to shut down completely for several >weeks. > > > >Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the >same > >time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other > >they caused severe damage to my hardware. > > > >I eventually upgraded to Fianc? 1.0, only to discover that this product > >soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to >use > >up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreesexPlus >and > >Cleanhouse2005. > > > >Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be >very > >unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically >stored > >in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced > >months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an > >automatic Diary, >Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, > > >launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. > >These latter products have no Help files,and I have to try to guess what >the problem is. > > > >Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, >requiring > >ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs >to > >be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to > >my BMW hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an >irritating > >pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. > > > >Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be > >problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 > >detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your assets before > >uninstalling itself. > > > >Help requested please? > > > Classic one that UDI, I have the exact same problems!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 14 things to do in Tesco whilst your other half is shopping 01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking. 02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals 03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet. 04. Walk up to an employee and tell him?her in an official tone: Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens. 05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit. 06. Move a 'CAUTION -WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding Department. 08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible. 12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!" 13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream "NO! ........It's those voices again!!!" And last but not least: 14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 One for Marky A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and law of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "Celebrate, the word is Celebrate!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 :D :D :D Fantastic might try some of the tesco ones as start working there on sat so might get away with more :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 2 crackers there boys.. - I'm off to Tesco right now :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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