fenryk Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!' Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!' She must have come from Essex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 I'm starting to think it's my other half to be honest Ryk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 She must have come from Essex & the chap in the shop may have been DPH :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD Until now I never fully understood how to tell, the difference between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically until now. Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? Below are Two Birds. Study them closely... See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Two muslim mothers sat watching their kids in the park, One says to the other 'enjoy them now, they blow upso quick' ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Ben and Marky on the way home from the pub :D BEN & MARKY ON THEIR WAY BACK FROM A NIGHT OUT STOP IN A GRAVEYARD FOR A WEE. ONE WIPES HERSELF WITH HER KNICKERS, THE OTHER USES A WREATH. THEIR 2 HUSBANDS WERE IN THE PUB THE NEXT DAY. ONE SAYS "I'D BETTER WATCH MY WIFE, SHE CAME HOME WITH NO KNICKERS ON LAST NIGHT." THE OTHER MAN SAYS, "THATS F*CK ALL, MINE HAD A CARD WEDGED IN HER ARSE SAYING, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, FROM ALL THE BOYS AT THE FIRESTATION." :D Sorry Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids,Shopkeeper asks 'R they twins?' woman says "no hes 9 & shes 7. Why do you think they look alike.?" ' No ' he replys 'I just cant believe youve been f*cked twice.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 marky went in for a piddle in Brighton and inside there was two black blokes, well marky thought I won't let us white people down so he held it with five fingers mind you he piddled on three, then he looked over and to his astonishment one of the black men had a white willy, "excuse me" said marky, "how come your both black and one of you had a white willy?" "were not black" one man replied "were coalmen, and he went home for dinner". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 :D :D :D :D Poor Marky :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass." Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!" "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too." The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my gosh..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenryk Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Having been using a chainsaw this afternoon that last one made me wince :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Are you not supposed to use your genitals to stop the chain then..... hang on a minute lads.... you what Mrs F... yes I have been cutting the trees.... red paint... no I havn't been painting... a worm on the carpet... cat must have bought it in... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Are you not supposed to use your genitals to stop the chain then..... hang on a minute lads.... you what Mrs F... yes I have been cutting the trees.... red paint... no I havn't been painting... a worm on the carpet... cat must have bought it in... :D :D, your a joke in its self! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew on Monday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird naked in the shower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenryk Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Good one John, especially the bit about respraying. All red buckets should be resprayed and hidden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 >>>> A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. >>>> >>>> The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew >>>> out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. >>>> >>>> After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. >>>> While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological >>>> abnormalities." >>>> "That's right," said the doctor. >>>> >>>> He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> he asked. >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate >>>> breast cancer." >>>> "Correct," replied the shady doctor. >>>> >>>> Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse >>>> with her. >>>> He then asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is the reason why I came >>>> here in the first place." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Woman: Would you get married again if I died? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Man: Okay, I'd get married again. Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) Man: (audible groan) Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed. Woman: (silence) Man: Sh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 >>>> A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. >>>> >>>> The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew >>>> out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. >>>> >>>> After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. >>>> While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological >>>> abnormalities." >>>> "That's right," said the doctor. >>>> >>>> He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> he asked. >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate >>>> breast cancer." >>>> "Correct," replied the shady doctor. >>>> >>>> Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse >>>> with her. >>>> He then asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is the reason why I came >>>> here in the first place." :D - now that is my kind of joke... better than the coalminer one :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Did you get those others today Mr Fordson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 >>>> A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. >>>> >>>> The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew >>>> out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. >>>> >>>> After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. >>>> While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological >>>> abnormalities." >>>> "That's right," said the doctor. >>>> >>>> He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> he asked. >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate >>>> breast cancer." >>>> "Correct," replied the shady doctor. >>>> >>>> Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse >>>> with her. >>>> He then asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" >>>> >>>> "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is the reason why I came >>>> here in the first place." :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Did you get those others today Mr Fordson Havn't been to work today Barry - had an over active can't be arsed gland ;D - have you sent me some e mails then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Havn't been to work today Barry - had an over active can't be assd gland ;D - have you sent me some e mails then Just the usual abuse you lazy sod Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted April 7, 2006 Share Posted April 7, 2006 :D - now that is my kind of joke... better than the coalminer one :'( always enjoy something funny to read in the morning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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