NIGEL FORD Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 So you want some nun jokes....? With apologies if they've been posted before: Two nuns cycling down a cobble street, one says to the other- "I've never come this way before!" Two nuns giggling on their way down to the Monastery, one says to the other- "It's been a long time since Benedictus !" Oh .....& another. One nun says to the other,"It's very hard to be good", the other replies, "It's GOTTA be hard to be good". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fordson lass Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 pmsl :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Nice girl, but I cant read the writing?? ** Turns around to leave room and falls over drunk ** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 thats going round the office!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Roger was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Patti was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Roger got up early and left for work. When Patti woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Roger have been scheduled for Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 A text I recieved - Today is International Day for Spaz's. Please send an encouraging text message to a friend, just as I have just done. I don''t care if you lick windows, vote labour or occasionally sh1t yourself. You hang in there sunshine, your special!! \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 A text I recieved - Today is International Day for Spaz's. Please send an encouraging text message to a friend, just as I have just done. I don''t care if you lick windows, vote labour or occasionally sh1t yourself. You hang in there sunshine, your special!! \ :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 We got a lad at work called "window licker" ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 We got a lad at work called "window licker" ;D ;D ;D Dare we ask?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 We got a lad at work called "window licker" ;D ;D ;D Thats what I normally do in taxi's when I'm pi$$ed.... :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Ahhhhhh thats brilliant FP, obviously a mock up but I do always wonder why military establishments are signposted in RED seems a wee bit daft to me!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 only need to be red if they are american,just to warn you that you may be fired on :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 only need to be red if they are american,just to warn you that you may be fired on :D :D Uh oh, Pops Rick and CCF are going to be chopsy with you later!!!!!! :D :D True though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 what more friendly fire,i can handle that tris :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Paul has apparently bought Heather a plane as part of the divorce settlement, however she says she's still going to use a razor on the other leg! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Paul has apparently bought Heather a plane as part of the divorce settlement, however she says she's still going to use a razor on the other leg! oh deere :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Hmmm. Can anyone relate to this one!?? Marky :D IF MY BODY WERE A CAR If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Coroner's report Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus O'Malley from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. page down "he thought he was having his photo taken!!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Hmmm. Can anyone relate to this one!?? Marky :D IF MY BODY WERE A CAR If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! :D - I can relate to that... especially the last bit [ GIT ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..... :D :D :D George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said ; "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!" :D :D :D :D A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..... :D :D :D George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said ; [glow=red,2,300] EH WHAT DID HE SAY!!![/glow] :D :D :D :D A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running. :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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