NIGEL FORD Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Did you hear that Becks was p**d off with Rooney last week. Apparently Rooney said that if he was going to play for 90 minutes he demanded a cortisone injection & when Becks heard about this he said" If that fat f**k gets a new car for playing 90 minutes, then I want one too!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Did you hear that Becks was p**d off with Rooney last week. Apparently Rooney said that if he was going to play for 90 minutes he demanded a cortisone injection & when Becks heard about this he said" If that fat f**k gets a new car for playing 90 minutes, then I want one too!! oh deere, i dont know how many times i've seen or heard that one :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 Did you hear that Becks was p**d off with Rooney last week. Apparently Rooney said that if he was going to play for 90 minutes he demanded a cortisone injection & when Becks heard about this he said" If that fat f**k gets a new car for playing 90 minutes, then I want one too!! :D :D aparently victoria gave young brooklyn a jigsaw af a tiger to do when he got bored watchin dad playing , even victoria was having trouble with it , till she was told it was a packet of frosties :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 Subject: Automated Services A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 thats a good one John ;D, of course that had to be copied out and emailed around :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich.new holland Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 four men on a planea welsh man, an english man, a german man, and a jew and the plane is about to crash and only one man could stay on the plane so the english man said bugger it im jumping for the english flag, the welsh man says bugger it im jumping for the welsh flag ,and then the german says bugger it im doing this for adolf hitler and throws the jew out whats brown and sticky a stick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr. Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 http://www.ihateronaldo.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
schw84 Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 both S**T teams!!!! the match last night was by far the best one of the competition it was worthy of the final!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Steve was working on a building site, helping out with cement mixing, then without notice his boss approaches looking very solemn. "Steve, I think it's best you clock off for the day, something terrible has happened, and your dad has died" Steve gets his things and runs off crying... I caught up with him as he was running down the highstreet. "What's up Steve?" "I've had a terrible day, I was told my dad was dead and now my brothers rang me up and said his dad's dead too, I would watch out if I were you. Marky is dancing in a club and he's looking for 'the lady of the night' he finds one in the corner... Marky says " Hello i'm Marky Ferguson would you care to dance?" The lady says "I'm very sorry marky but i'm a lesbian" Marky looks confused... "what's that he asks" "well" she says " you see that woman over there, the blonde one with a short skirt" "Yes" says Marky "Well I want to take her out the back, take her skirt off and give her a good time" "Christ says Marky, I think I'm a lesbian too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D dry humer is the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Steve was working on a building site, helping out with cement mixing, then without notice his boss approaches looking very solemn. "Steve, I think it's best you clock off for the day, something terrible has happened, and your dad has died" Steve gets his things and runs off crying... I caught up with him as he was running down the highstreet. "What's up Steve?" "I've had a terrible day, I was told my dad was dead and now my brothers rang me up and said his dad's dead too, I would watch out if I were you. Marky is dancing in a club and he's looking for 'the lady of the night' he finds one in the corner... Marky says " Hello i'm Marky Ferguson would you care to dance?" The lady says "I'm very sorry marky but i'm a lesbian" Marky looks confused... "what's that he asks" "well" she says " you see that woman over there, the blonde one with a short skirt" "Yes" says Marky "Well I want to take her out the back, take her skirt off and give her a good time" "Christ says Marky, I think I'm a lesbian too... :D Nice one Luke apart form the fact you picked on me again :'( :'( As for you TBF.. superb mate - I laughed out loud with those - thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Fantastic love tbf's ones classic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 This one is for everyone who > a) has kids > had kids > c) was a kid > d) knows a kid > e) is going to have kids > > > I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having > wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, > "Daddy,look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. > Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers > in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to > eat them before I rushed out of the room again > > When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her > fingers with a devastated look on her face. > > I said, "What's wrong, honey?" > > > > > > > She replied, "What happened to my booger"? :D :D :D Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 beat you to it FB ! http://www.farmtoysforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8692.msg150440#msg150440 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Be nice to your copying machine... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHmADrgen3c&feature=Views&page=4&t=t&f=b Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 this one made me laugh...throughout the day ! Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling..... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 beat you to it FB ! http://www.farmtoysforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8692.msg150440#msg150440 i know!!!, i got the link from your pics ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 ENGLAND HEAD FOR HOME Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 :D Nice one Luke apart form the fact you picked on me again :'( :'( It's only funny if your mentioned in it! I picked on barry in my last set. Someone like Holmes to be targeted next Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 It's only funny if your mentioned in it! I picked on barry in my last set. Someone like Holmes to be targeted next why wouldnt that surprise me :D although wasnt i the target for the spalding joke \ \ \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 ENGLAND HEAD FOR HOME and its true :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 why wouldnt that surprise me :D although wasnt i the target for the spalding joke \ \ \ Yes, but I didn't start that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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