joke of the day!!

[Kiwi6920]

Ohh if only that would be a dream come true 

[FW]

:D

[batcher]

A man came home from work, sat down on his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife

"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it he said,

"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start".

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone he said,

"Quick, get me another beer before it starts".

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You lazy b***ard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??".

The husband sighed and said "Oh Sh1t, it's started". 

[Gav836]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or

boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head

Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our

surveillance cameras:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys

when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine

products aisle.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3"

in housewares..... and watched what happened.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told

shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas

stove.

September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began

to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,

picked his nose, and ate it.

November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares

aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the

"Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using

different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK

ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the

foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then

yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

[JohnP]

Two chav girls walk up to the perfume counter in Boots and pick up a

sample bottle.....

Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it...."thats quite nice, innit,

dont ya fink Trace?"

Trace says "yeah, whats it called?"

"Vi-ens a mo-eee"

"VI-ENS A MO-EEE?....what the f--- does that mean?!?"

At this point the assistant offers some help.....

"It's pronounced 'Viens a moi', ladies. It's French for 'come to me'

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Trace again, saying,

"that doesnt smell like come to me, Trace. Does it smell like come to

you?"

[SIMON.]

Hillbilly making love to his sister "you screw like dad she says " .Thats funny thats what mum says  :D

[TS135A DRIVER]

2 90 year olds have been dating for a while and decide to have sex. As they lay in bed afterwards the man thinks to himself " My God if I'd known she was a virgin I would have been more gentle" 

The woman lay there thinking" My god if I had known the old boy could actually get it up I'd have taken my tights off" 

[jdc]

Scientists have recently suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after it was postulated that beer might contain female hormones. The theory is that drinking beer could turn men into women. Although no traces of hormones could be found in beer by laboratory analysis, the scientists decided to test the theory.

In a controlled experiment, 100 men were each given 8 pints of lager to drink. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

With such a comprehensive scientific result, no further tests are required.

[JC]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!  Now we'll have to go up there, Find the owner, apologize, And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked," Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, Sir.  We're sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary.  Actually I want to thank you.  You see, I'm A Genie, And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last One for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said.  He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie.  "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!  And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country In the world," She said.

"Consider it done," the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," The couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, My wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, And all those houses.  What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, But what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.  "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "how old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[batcher]

Q> how many animals can u fit into a pair of tights?

A> 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 *****, countless hares, the occasional cock, and 1 dead fish nobody can find!

[batcher]

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high".

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"

"That sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome'".

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?"

"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start".

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's my mum or my Dad, or

my older Brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its

Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round".

The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice".

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places".

The doctor said, "Well don't go back to them anymore".

[jdc]

;D

In the same Tommy Cooper vein.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, 'How d'you drive this then?'

[TS135A DRIVER]

There were two Blondes in a car park trying to get back into their car after locking the keys inside. The first blonde was using a coat hanger from some of the new clothes they had just bought, she was feeding the hanger down the side of the glass to try and hook the lock latch with no luck. The second blonde was trying to pick the door locks with her nail file with no luck either. The first blonde then says to the second blonde " hurry up will you the rain is getting heavy now and as the roof is down  the seats are getting wet "        

[BC]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the

Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for

my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry

it through Customs for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to

declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what

do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,

but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[MJB1]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,

which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left

a virus in my system,forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the

same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other

they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc? 1.0, only to discover that this product

soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreesexPlus

and Cleanhouse2007.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be

very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically

stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files,and I have to try to guess what

the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,

requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs

to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your assets before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please?

[BC]

And there is even a tractor in this one.

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he

visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to

words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like

to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".  So the

illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a

"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best

friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field &

a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a

'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus

carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing

everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister,

"that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent.  No other children volunteered.

Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who

can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised

his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane

carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly

fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And

can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because

it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably

wouldn't be a fu ** ing accident either!

[TS135A DRIVER]

With election fever hitting the headlines right now here is a good political joke.

During a T.V. interview the host asks all the M.P.s some personal questions about their love lives. He asks the Labour M.P. where he likes his wife to be when they make love. "On the bottom as God intended" he answers. When the Conservative is asked the same question he answers "I don't mind if she goes on top if she wants to, it's a free country"  When the Lib Dem M.P. is asked he answers " Preferably out of town"     

[batcher]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down

into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I

thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with

my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know

I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I

take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took

the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior,

astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a

monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left

and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I

creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying

straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it

hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But

surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister "While I was still

trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out

of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized

Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I

was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether

this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky

and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still

clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister,

anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,

the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him

right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his

paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms

across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and

said...

"You missed the f *** ing putt, didn't you?" 

[batcher]

The wife says: You want

The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need

The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want

The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk

The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead

The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset

The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly

The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights

The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient

The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.

The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.

The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there

The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise

The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?

The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?

The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

The wife says: No

The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry

The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?

The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish

The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?

The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!

The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.

The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.

The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.

The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.

The wife means: I'm still building up steam. 

[CCF]

An old trucker goes into a truck stop and as he is enjoying a cup of coffee and a piece of pie,  two scraggily bikers come in.  One Biker spits in his coffee and the other one puts his *** out in the old truckers pie.  He says nothing and goes back to his rig and leaves.  One of the Bikers says to  the waitress ? ?what a wimp--not much of a man was he?!" 

She says ?he's not much of a driver either?just drove his rig over two motorcycles!"

--------------------------------------------------

An old guy goes for a check up and the doctor tells him, "well, your hearing  is deteriorated, your reflexes are gone, and your eye site is shot!

The old guy says, "Thank God!  I thought you were gonna tell me I couldn?t drive anymore!"

--------------------------------------------------

A man tells his doctor he?s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  After the exam, he says, ?Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what?s wrong with me.?

"Well," the doctor says, ?In layman?s terms, you?re lazy!?

?Thank you doctor, now give me a medical term, that I can tell my wife.?

[batcher]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn

in her wheelchair, where the activities for

Her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could

Write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma

Started leaning off to the right, so some family

Members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

Stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her

Left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed

Pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family

Members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase

Around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma

And said, "Hi, Grandma,you're looking good!

How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote

A note to the nephew .

"They won't let me fart." 

[jdc]

10 Reasons Why I Still Enjoy Farming.

1. Fooling my neighbours into thinking I know what I?m doing.

2. Taking pride in telling my daughter ?soon all this could be yours? (haven?t seen her since)

3. Showing a ?30/hour electrician how to repair my graindrier.

4. Still getting a kick out of the ritual of cutting hay to make the rain start.

5. The opportunity of driving a ?50,000 tractor, attached to a ?5,000 trailer filled with ?68/tonne barley.

6. Getting to chase lambs that can?t seem to see a 20 foot open gate, having earlier found a 9 inch  gap caused by a broken rail.

7. Realising that cursing at machines always helps.

8. Looking forward to dealing with DEFRA, SQC, SNH, ESA?s, Whole Farm Assurance plc, etc?. who wants to be his own boss anyway?

9. Really enjoying talking with FASL, SQC, Milk Conservation Grade, Income Tax, VAT and grab it all supermarket Meat Producer Club

        Inspectors. It?s so nice to know there are opinions different from one?s own.

10. Sheep.

[FW]

10 Reasons Why I Still Enjoy Farming.

1. Fooling my neighbours into thinking I know what I?m doing.

2. Taking pride in telling my daughter ?soon all this could be yours? (haven?t seen her since)

3. Showing a ?30/hour electrician how to repair my graindrier.

4. Still getting a kick out of the ritual of cutting hay to make the rain start.

5. The opportunity of driving a ?50,000 tractor, attached to a ?5,000 trailer filled with ?68/tonne barley.

6. Getting to chase lambs that can?t seem to see a 20 foot open gate, having earlier found a 9 inch  gap caused by a broken rail.

7. Realising that cursing at machines always helps.

8. Looking forward to dealing with DEFRA, SQC, SNH, ESA?s, Whole Farm Assurance plc, etc?. who wants to be his own boss anyway?

9. Really enjoying talking with FASL, SQC, Milk Conservation Grade, Income Tax, VAT and grab it all supermarket Meat Producer Club

         Inspectors. It?s so nice to know there are opinions different from one?s own.

10. Sheep.

:D Cracking ending!

[CCF]

One for Ben!  :D

A young couple arranged that whenever they made whoopie they'd put a little money away for the future.  Everytime, the husband would empty his pocket change in to a little China piggy bank that they kept on the night stand.  One day he accidentally knocked the bank off of the table and it smashed open leaving coins spilled all over the floor.  He noticed handfuls of bills too..."Hey!" he said.  "What?s up with this?" 

"Well," said his wife, "not everyone is as cheap as you!"

----------------------------------------------

A wealthy man came home from a  BAD gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune, so for the time being, they would have to cut back on expenses.

"If you can learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," his wife remarked. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

----------------------------------------------

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jane.

To which Mary responded, "Yeah, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

[FB]

why you little.... :D :D :D