Lord Ferguson Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 This topic is not here for you to fillet with chicken jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Ferguson Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 This topic is not here for you to fillet with chicken jokes That was a poultry offering from you Marky... certainly nothing to crow about... okay I'll stop now before I get thrown off FTF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 A foreign worker walks into a job centre and tells the assistant hes hard working, honest and desprate for a job .. . . . the assistant replies thats fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffeur for a multi-millionaire, which includes looking after his two nympho daughters whilst on overseas trips, it comes with a salary of 200k a year the foreign worker says "your bullpooing me . . . ." the assistant replies "you f$$$ing started it!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!" "What a coincidence,"the farmer says. "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 THE LAWS OF LIFE Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre. Variation Law If you change traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ease with which it can be accessed. Law of the Theatre At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!) Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 A few more Law of Fate - what will be, will be Law of Karma - what will be, will be but you may have some options Law of Murphy - what will fall, will fall Law of Sod - What will fall, will fall and you will be underneath when it does. (laws compiled while washing down prior to decorating - swept the telephone off the shelf and straight into a bucket of hot Flash. End of telephone) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 Posh man and a poor man meet up in town... "What you doing here says the poor man" "I've just bought my wife her 2 birthday presents" he says "What a co-incidence says the poor man I've just done the same, what have you bought her?" The posh man says "I've bought her A brand new BMW from the garage up the road and a holiday" "Why two really expensive presents?" the poor bloke asks... "well" says the posh man "if she doesnt like the car, at least she'll like the holiday!" "fair enough" says the poor man. "why,what did you get your wife" says the posh bloke the poor bloke starts "I got her some slippers and a dildo" "why that choice of gifts?" says the posh bloke "well" says the poor bloke "if she doesn't like the slippers she can f*ck herself!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 This is good! Father Machine A husband took his wife to the hospital to give labor to their child. The doctor said to the husband, ?We have this new machine where the father feels all the pain. One thing I don't want to do is turn it up to 100 volts?it could kill you.? Later, the doctor said, ?I?m going to have to turn it to 50; she?s in a lot of pain. It doesn't affect you, does it?? ?No, it doesn't,? the husband responded. 20 minutes later, the doctor said, ?I will have to turn it to 100.? The husband replied, ?I don?t care. I have been shot, stabbed and in a war.? ?It doesn't make you feel like your going to keel over does it?? the doctor asked. ?No.? 10 minutes later, the doctor announced, ?It?s a boy! You are free to leave with your wife when she?s ready!? That night, when they got home, they found the mailman dead on the front walk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style: "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britainswomble Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style: "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..." That sounds too real to be a joke...........I can just imagine a pair of smouldering boots.........property of the late "Porcus Trafficus", having been nuked from the air. Like something out of a Monty Python Film :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the post man once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there."Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5 p.m." "Great," says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Marky, that is priceless... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Marky, that is priceless... :D - made me chuckle too :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Haven't had many opportunities to look at FTF recently, but thought I'd share this gem with y'all..... A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've Checked your insurance and you've actually got ?9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has' he says. 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor. 'We're having a new kitchen.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Elton John decides to treat himself after a successful number 1 hit... He goes to a tatoo parlour... "Hello people, i'm in such a good mood" he says "that I want a Ferrari tatoo'd on my penis. "A ferrari?" replies the Tatooist "Yes, replies Elton" So the tatooist sets to work... 10 mins later... Elton screams "What have you done!!! , I said a Ferrari not a bloody Land Rover!!" "Well" said the tattoist "I thought i'd better do a landrover because it will get through the sh!t better" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fendt-man-matty Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 Elton John decides to treat himself after a successful number 1 hit... He goes to a tatoo parlour... "Hello people, i'm in such a good mood" he says "that I want a Ferrari tatoo'd on my penis. "A ferrari?" replies the Tatooist "Yes, replies Elton" So the tatooist sets to work... 10 mins later... Elton screams "What have you done!!! , I said a Ferrari not a bloody Land Rover!!" "Well" said the tattoist "I thought i'd better do a landrover because it will get through the sh!t better" hahahaha good one al have to steal that one!! nearly spat my tea out reading that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmernick06 Posted November 11, 2007 Share Posted November 11, 2007 What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KIWINZ Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 found out dihoriea is heredatary the other day??? its allways in your jeans!!! hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 Little boy asks his mum "Is it true what Granny says that we come from dust and when we go we turn to dust"? His mum replies "Yes". Little boy says "Well, you better go and look under your bed then because theres someone either coming or going"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilpek Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 whats green, has six legs and if it fell from a tree and landed on you it would kill you? a pool table Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerrabbit Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 What is the last thing that passes through the eye of a fly as it slams into your windscreen? It's a$$ hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 The old ones are the best, as they say ?? I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on. So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job." So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDH Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! ?Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "?Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin? here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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