FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 score flash from the african nations cup in kenya gahna 8 ethiopia didnt cruel but still find it amusing! :D : might offend the PC brigade though :D :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 yeah is a bit cruel,but lifes to short,at least it wasn't muhamid with a bomb though,andy might have had a protest out side the ftf headquaters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third *** rooster I bought this month." Joke of the month John... :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 yeah is a bit cruel,but lifes to short,at least it wasn't muhamid with a bomb though,andy might have had a protest out side the ftf headquaters yeah!!!, haven't seen that yet, i'm sure i'll get it emailed to me! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 someone sent me :D indian yoga Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Ricky ends up like that every night.... All Night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Ricky ends up like that every night.... All Night i know, wont let me post the irish version! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Irish version! ...its Ricky! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 only posted 7 times! :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 well i know what one i prefer out of the 2,and am now going to stop drinking Guinness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Irish version! ...its Ricky! :D Where did you find my picture?? : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Where did you find my picture?? : in the wentworth post office :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 :o :o :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Subject: Actual Australian Court Docket 12659 A bit amazing that sometimes people cannot see humour and take it to court! ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" :D :D :D :D :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that *** **** in our garden" she said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 There's been a few crackers added here of late, don't think these will be as good but they're sure to get a smile. A big fat ugly women goe's in to ASDA Walmart to do her weekly shop with her two children, after a long trek up and down the aisles she comes to the checkout to pay up and head home. The spotty schooleaver - cashier looks up to the woman and says "Are your children twins Madam? "No" she replies, "My son is 8 and my daughter is 4. Why do you ask?" The cashier replies "Was just curios, I can't believe a woman with a face like your git laid twice!!!!" Or African immigrant land in England (Sounds like a dangerouse joke already . .) and begins his search for lodgings. As he passes a man in the street he says to him "Sir I would like to thank you and your country for taking me in, I am from one of the poorest of nations and it is an honour to be in your country." The stranger replies "I am Pakastani sir, this not my country". Lookin bewildered the young afrian mirgrant continues. Later he stops a woman by a cash machine and once again thanks her for her hospitality and friendly nation. To this the woman replies "No sir, this no my country, me not English, me Arabic". The young man apologises and continues walking. Approaching a man on a bench in the park the african lad says "Sir, you live in a wonderful country, with wonderful kind people. I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me make this my home". The man sayd to the African "I'm no English, me Russian. This not my country". The African man asks the Russian ".... but where are all the English people, I have not seen one since arriving?" The Russian takes a glance at his watch and taps it as he says to the African migrant "The English people are probably all at work." (A joke or a true story?!! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? Keep Reading A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" Keep Reading Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." Keep Reading A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." !!!!!!!!!! Keep Reading Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" Keep Reading A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis" ! All courtesy of Udi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Had to share it with you Marky thought it was you when reading it :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 these seem to sound like personal experiences marky ,you sure you got your age right ? it is 39 & not 93 isnt it ? :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 You don't need to put KEEP READING we have no choice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Is Rick one of the characters in those Marky?? : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steiger fan Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I haven't been on here for a while but, I'd like to say 2 jokes. Whats the best name for a sheep? Baaab And "I have been driving for 40 years and I fell finally asleap at the wheel!" Hahahahaha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Alot of these later jokes have been just great :D I was a cesarean baby, it still effects me now, everytime I stop the car I have to get out the sunroof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 a couple of ditties just arrived from the good ol USofA.......... RING))))....RING))))....RING))))...., **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank" After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank" "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??? A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "That devil was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat rear downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.