james f Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the >> lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive >> young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. >> >> The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with >> him. >> >> >> As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she >> had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to >> maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his >> arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." >> >> He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned >> against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she >> purred at him, >> >> "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, >> he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" >> >> >> >> >> >> Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these >> breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My >> butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How >> can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" >> >> >> >> Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard >> someone coming? That was me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Crackers mate crackers Thought you were! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 great fun guys I'll have to dig out some more....bad ones.... A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you,you had both hands." "Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!" "It was my first day with the hook." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 "It was my first day with the hook." :D :D brilliant just brilliant :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 There are some wicked jokes in this last few pages!! Keep up the good work. St Peter is sat reading the Heaven Times when he hears a rattling at the gates. He wanders down to see what all the noise is about to find 30 pikeys down there. (Trailer Trash to our US friends) "Good Morning to you all and what would you like us to do for you" asks St Peter in his soft voice. The head of the clan pipes up "Us lot were in a gert protest and we wuz killed in fightin" he replies. St Peter looks horrified at the thought of allowing such animals passed the Gates of Heaven. He makes his excuses "There are many of you and I must ask permission from Our Father before I open up our gates for you" he says. St Peter finds the Lord sipping on a pint of Heavens Best Bitter and says to him "Father, we have 30 Pikey's at the gates wishing to be let in to Heaven". The poor old chap spits his bitter out in disgust "This a Heaven, a place of peace and well being. We do not have the space for 30 idiotic louts. Accept the 10 quietest only" he replies. So St Peter wanders back to the gates pondering on the best way to explain God's choices. When he gets there he is astonished at what he see's and so he race's back the God. "THEY'VE GONE FATHER!!!!!" "What?" God replies in disbelief ... "The gates Father, they've gone!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Just read this one Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. >Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are >afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples >from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. > >The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, >they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to >come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of >the tree. > >Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to >women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something >acceptable to have dinner with. > >Share this with all the good apples you know. > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruskigman Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Seeing the pearly gates one reminded me about the 3 guys who were killed a few days before Christmas & all arrived at the gates together,but St. Peter said they could only come in if they had something christmassy on them. The first guy smiles as he pulls out some mistletoe from his pocket that he'd had at the office party so St. Peter said "Welcome to heaven" & in he went. The second guy heaves a sigh of relief as he pulls out some tinsel & St peter let him in. The third guy is in a real panic & says to St. Peter " I'm sorry but I have nothing on me christmassy at all, please let me in as it's the season of goodwill". St. Peter still refuses so the third guy turns to go down to hell, then suddenly stops, turns round with a big smile on his face & produces a black lace G string from his back pocket! St. Peter says "No good you smiling, what've they got to do with Christmas" "Well", he says, still beaming...."they're Carol's". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the other green Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 :D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 like it !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Just think of Marky's poor employee's when reading this :D what the difference between prison and work is? > > > > > >Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make things a > >bit clearer. > > > >IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. > >AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. > > > >IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. > >AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. > > > >IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. > >AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. > > > >IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. > >AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors > >for yourself. > > > >IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. > >AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. > > > >IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. > >AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. > > > >IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. > >AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. > > > >IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. > >AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they > >deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. > > > >IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. > >AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside > >bars. > > > >IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. > >AT WORK...they are called managers. > > > >Have a Great Day at WORK!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 :D lIKED THAT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 A new TV ariel to the estate catches the eye of another in the area, the boy ariel asks the girl ariel out for a drink and love blossoms leading to marriage. All the families came and there were ariels everywhere. The wedding was pretty good but the RECEPTION was outstanding!!!!! Mrs F goes down the doctors for some Viagra for her husband Marky. The doctor explains there are three typs, 25% semi, 50% hard and 100% rock hard. Mrs F asks for the 25% variety, "Its only to stop him peeing in his slippers!!!" she says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1/32 farmer Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 i like that one tris :D :D :D wait till marky reads it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattias71 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 :D Time for a classic: There was an english man an irishman and a scot they all went to fly over there country to see what it looked like from the sky. And just to show there pride they all dropped something over there country. The english man dropped a rose the scot dropped a thistle and the irish beening an idiot didnt bring anything so dropped a grenade. They all went back down to there country and carryed on walking around in pride. When the english man was walking around he saw a little boy crying so he walked over and asked what was wrong and the boy said a rose fell on my dads head. So the english man stayed with him and made him feel better. Then the scot went back and also saw a boy crying so he walked over and asked what was wrong the little boy replied a thistle fell on my dads head so the scot makes him feel better again Then the irish man went back to see and little boy peeing himself with laughter so he asks what is so funny and the boy replies "my dad farted and the house blew up" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 A new TV ariel to the estate catches the eye of another in the area, the boy ariel asks the girl ariel out for a drink and love blossoms leading to marriage. All the families came and there were ariels everywhere. The wedding was pretty good but the RECEPTION was outstanding!!!!! Mrs F goes down the doctors for some Viagra for her husband Marky. The doctor explains there are three typs, 25% semi, 50% hard and 100% rock hard. Mrs F asks for the 25% variety, "Its only to stop him peeing in his slippers!!!" she says. :D :D :D Fantastic Tris........ True as well .... I've had the new viagra now that goes in your eye...... wait for it.... (you have probably all heard it anyway).... I doesn't help the purple headed womb ferret much... but by christ it makes you look hard They've given viagra out in our old peoples home now at bedtime... it stops us rolling out of bed And as for you Barry - :D - I'd better not show my workers that one The toilet seat is particularly apt at the moment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 I went in the doctors complaining of sunburn: He subscribed me a bottle of camomile lotion and viagra, "whats this for" i say. "well, the camomile lotion is to stop the pain and the viagra is to stop the sheets sticking to you in the night" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 I went in the doctors complaining of sunburn: He subscribed me a bottle of camomile lotion and viagra, "whats this for" i say. "well, the camomile lotion is to stop the pain and the viagra is to stop the sheets sticking to you in the night" :D :D :D great one that Luke... anyone got any more viagra jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 mjb rang me up complaining he didn't have the spark anymore, "You need some viagra" i reply "can you get it over the counter?" says Marcus "You can with 2 tablets" !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CCF Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 :D :D :D great one that Luke... anyone got any more viagra jokes Viagra jokes :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 mjb rang me up complaining he didn't have the spark anymore, "You need some viagra" i reply "can you get it over the counter?" says Marcus "You can with 2 tablets" !!! :D :D brilliant... any more - made my face hurt that one ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 No but I got something completely different. There was a bloke on the train reading a newspaper, when he looks at the woman opposite he notices she has no knickers on! He says to the woman I bet I can make your f@nny smile, she says never and he looks at it for a while and to her suprise it smiles!! He says I bet I can make it cringe, sure enough he does make it cringe. She says go on mate put two fingers in it, He said "What can it whistle too!!?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Viagra jokes :D :D :D 75 yr old lady goes to the doctors & asks for some viagra for her husband. The doctor asks "Well what strength do you want, there's standard which will get him semi-hard, strong which will give you both a really good time or extra strong which will give you the best sex you've ever had!" The old lady doesn't have to give it much thought:" Just give me the standard......it's just to stop him pi$$ing on his slippers". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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