joke of the day!!

[THEBRITFARMER]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a

tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years

they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the

counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and

kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad

passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits

quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife

needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her

here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

[Udimore]

Marky Fordson's Story...............................................

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it

becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as

when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive

woman.

My name is Marky F. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary

for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both

for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show

her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she

gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to

rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at

her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets

dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the

club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked

grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each

evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates

this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes

to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will

say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I

just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over

two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also

remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her

any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong

points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a

nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a

while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well

make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Any men

will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows

better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less

criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider

that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Marky F

[FB]

i walk into the office, log in to my PC and see the amount of work they want doing by the end of the day....may not be a joke like above but to me i had to laugh :D :D

[THEBRITFARMER]

A blonde  lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was  flagged down by  a man whose truck had broken down.

      The man walked up to the car and  asked, "Are you  going to San Diego?"

      "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you  need a lift?"

      "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours  fixing my  truck.  My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be  taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't  want to keep them on the road all day.

      Could you possibly take them to the  zoo for me? I'll  give you $100 for your  trouble."

      "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.  So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully  strapped  into their seat  belts. Off they went.

      Five hours later, the truck driver  was driving through the heart of San  Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!  There was  the blonde walking down the  street and holding hands with the  two chimps, much to  the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of  brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What are  you doing here?" he  demanded,

      I gave you $100 to take these  chimpanzees to the  zoo."

      "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but  we had  money left over---so now we're going to Sea World  ."

The Speeding Ticket

  A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting

to

catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as

usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22

MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a

speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two

in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as

ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't

understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the

problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should

know

that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed

limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit

proudly.

  The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to

her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for

pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to

ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and

they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks

with concern.

  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off

Route 215."

[JohnP]

;D

[JohnP]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the

piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

?Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:

"Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.  ?

I will grant you one wish. Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,

"I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says,

?Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

?Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[JC]

:D :D

[THEBRITFARMER]

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania on a dark and stormy night, suddenly a large vampire bat landed on the windshield baring it teeth

Quick sister the one says turn on your wipeers, that will shoo him off. So she turns them on and the bat flutters up and the lands back again even angrier.

Quick spray him with the holy water she exclaims

So the nun gives him a blast with the holy water from the the wipers

The bat at this times is really irrate and begins to hurl himself at the windshield over and over baring his teeth and salivating

Sister Sister there is only one thing left to do, show him your cross

So the Sister rolls down her window

and yells...... Oi Foook Off away from our car

[CCF]

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania on a dark and stormy night, suddenly a large vampire bat landed on the windshield baring it teeth

Quick sister the one says turn on your wipeers, that will shoo him off. So she turns them on and the bat flutters up and the lands back again even angrier.

Quick spray him with the holy water she exclaims

So the nun gives him a blast with the holy water from the the wipers

The bat at this times is really irrate and begins to hurl himself at the windshield over and over baring his teeth and salivating

Sister Sister there is only one thing left to do, show him your cross

So the Sister rolls down her window

and yells...... Oi Foook Off away from our car

:D

Haven't we seen this one before Scott? \

[Lord Ferguson]

Marky Fordson's Story...............................................

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it

becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as

when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive

woman.

My name is Marky F. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary

for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both

for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show

her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she

gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to

rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at

her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets

dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the

club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked

grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each

evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates

this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes

to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will

say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I

just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over

two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also

remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her

any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong

points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a

nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a

while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well

make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Any men

will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows

better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less

criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider

that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Marky F

Superb Bazza... All true as well... but my wife's name is Diane  \ - or... simply Oi ! when I want something  :D

[Udimore]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want

to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior

officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman

steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and

murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands

it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a

license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up

the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

(or ANY LADY)!!

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

I just did!

[ihatepoundland]

Yeah, but you ruined my day

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"

The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."

[Udimore]

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read

their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Marky don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[ihatepoundland]

It'd be worrying if the hand was elsewhere

[Lord Ferguson]

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read

their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Marky don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Well ha ha to you stupid... I only have a hamster called Pauline  :P

[MJB1]

SOMETING FOR YOU ALL TO PRINT & PIN UP AT WORK

SCAM WARNING !

Police are warning all male clubbers, partygoers & unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink from any women .

A new date rape drug on the market called 'BEER' is being used by many females to target unsuspecting men .

The drug is generally found in liquid form & is now available almost anywhere.

It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, & in large 'kegs'.

'BEER' is used by female sexual predators at parties & bars to persuade their male victims to go home & have sex with them.

Typically, a woman nedds only to persuade the male to consume a few units of 'BEER' & then simply ask him home for no strings attatched sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several 'BEERS' men will often sucumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never be normally attracted to.

After drinking 'BEER', men often awake with only hazy memories, of exactly what happened the night before , often with just a vague feeling that something bad occured .

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as a 'RELATIONSHIP'.

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the femalemay even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude & punishmentreffered as 'MARRAGE'.

Aparently, men are more susceptible to this scam after 'BEER' is administered & sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know, however if you fall victim to this insidious 'BEER' & the predatory female administering it , there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open & frank mannor with similaly affected,like minded males .

For the support group nearest you just look uo 'GOLF COURSES' in the yellow pages .

GOOD LUCK

[neil2860]

Here's a challenge.....

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a

valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same

speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size

as your car

and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at

ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same

speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(scroll down.....)

Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[ihatepoundland]

Or get off the M25 and lay off the acid

[THEBRITFARMER]

Are you a male or a female??

To find out look down

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< NOT HERE STUPID!!!

[Powerstarâ„¢]

I had to, to click Reply 

>>

There was this bloke in the local shop, he looked bloody stupid, ridiculous you could say, he had the biggest moheekan I have ever seen, it was all rainbow coloured, he was wearing multicoloured cardigans, pink painted nails, feathers in his hair, the full works, so I thought I would tell him how I felt about his appearance in an assertive way...

"Mate" I said, to which he looked round.

"You look like a complete and utter t\/\/at" I said

He looked at me in an angry way. "Havn't you ever done anything stupid in your life" he said.

"Yes" I said, I sh@gged a parrot and i'm just debating wether your my son"

[NIGEL FORD]

A couple go to order in a seafood restaurant & the bloke orders the Octopus. The waiter replies,"Yes that's fine Sir, but I'm afraid there'll be a 5hr wait!"

"A 5hr wait... what's the problem then?" replies the bloke,

"Well Sir, he keeps turning the gas off!"

[Lord Ferguson]

A couple go to order in a seafood restaurant & the bloke orders the Octopus. The waiter replies,"Yes that's fine Sir, but I'm afraid there'll be a 5hr wait!"

"A 5hr wait... what's the problem then?" replies the bloke,

"Well Sir, he keeps turning the gas off!"

:D :D - ANOTHER funny clean one - thanks Nigel... I'll tell ther kids that one... it's almost worth waking them up  :D

[Deere-est]

NOTICE

BA has announced that all inbound and outbound flights are to be cancelled untill further notice.

He reportedly said

"I ain't gettin on no god damn plane you crazy fool!!!"

[FB]

:D :D

Tris thats bad :D

[Deere-est]

But oh so good!!