Tractorman810 Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 doesnt take long for the jokes to start eh, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Marky decided to go skiing with his buddy, Ben. > > > They loaded up in Marky's minivan and headed north. > > > > > > After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible > > > blizzard they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive > > > lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. > > > "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge > > > house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. > > > "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." > > > "Don't worry," ,Marky said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. > > > And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." > > > The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and > > > settled in for the night. > > > Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. > > > They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. > > > About nine months later, Marky got an unexpected letter from an > > > attorney. > > > > > > It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally > > > determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he > > > had met on the ski weekend. > > > He dropped in on his friend Ben and asked, "Bob, do you remember > > > that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do." > > > "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the > > > house and pay her a visit?" > > > "Yes," Ben said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have > > > to admit that I did." > > > "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your > > > name?" > > > Ben's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. > > > I'm afraid I did. > > > Why do you ask?" > > > "She just died and left me everything." > > > > > > > > > (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep > > > that smile for the rest of the day!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Some of you may ave heard of my mother-in-law. She had started taking flying lessons in 1975 and she got her license later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Lincolnshire because of bad weather. Some could call it a crash; an accident at the least. CAA crash officials have issued a preliminary determination citing pilot error contributed to the accident, and she was flying a single engine aircraft (a basic model, at best) in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 :D Good one John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 very good John :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewHolland2 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 From another forum I'm a member on how about this...... ... thanks to Bus Driving... Driver. "Bus working 1234 to control." Control. "Go ahead 1234." Driver. "I have a problem, I am at the terminus and I have a puncture." Control. "Switch everything off, wait two minutes and try again. Let me know if the problem persists." Driver. "Err..........OK." Two minutes go by. Driver. "Bus working 1234. I switched everything off and tried again like you said. I still have a puncture." :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Man goes in to a shop. "I want a tin of cat food please" the lady behind the till replies, "you havn't got a cat, I've never seen you with a cat in my life, you'll feed it to your children, I can only serve you if I see a cat" Couple minutes later the bloke comes back with his cat "Here, look a cat, mine, needs feeding" "ok sorry for the inconvinience" she says Next day man goes in again "Tin of dogfood please" the man says "But you havn't got a dog" she starts again "I've never seen you with a dog i'm afraid I will need some proof" The man returns with his dog "Here for christ sake look at this, my dog, it's mine, not food for my children, this bloody dog is mine and hes hungry now serve me at once!" "Sorry" she says, and serves him. "So everything I want to buy I have to bring proof I need it from now on?" he says "Umm.Yes" she replies Well the next day the bloke comes in with a carry bag "Put your hand in that you silly cow" he says "what is it" she says "go on put your bloody hand in there" he says so she puts her hand in, her face turns pale and she's urging. "Two toilet rolls please" he says... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil2860 Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 At the Pearly Gates, three Italian nuns are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"...*poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna"...*poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini" St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" He asked. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says............. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 News report A public school teacher was arrested at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, `There are 3 sides to every triangle.`` When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 That makes about as much sense as algebra did John!! Nice one! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 MUHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE FUNNAY FUNNAY FUNNAY!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" :D - I love one-liners... at that's a new one on me :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "why the spoon?" "Well", he explained , "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our precesses. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the numer of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift". As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I will get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter. "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time we spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent". I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Good one Rick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "why the spoon?" "Well", he explained , "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our precesses. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the numer of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift". As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I will get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter. "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time we spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent". I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon" :D :D great Pops... very good indeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DPH Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 PUCKER UP There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size; but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 PUCKER UP There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size; but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday" :D :D - Great joke... well done LMFAO - I was doing the vicar out loud... Mrs F thinks I mad :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 :D :D - Great joke... well done LMFAO - I was doing the vicar out loud... Mrs F thinks I mad :D You are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Old man is sitting in city centre staring at boy with mad mohican hair coloured red green blue and pink. He keeps staring Boy asks him whats hes lookin at, u neverdone anything mad in your life he asks? Old man says yes, I once got drunk and had sex with a peacock. . . I just wondered if you were my son Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Erm Marky. . . . "I was doing the vicar" ? ? ? ? ? Explain please? :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Erm Marky. . . . "I was doing the vicar" ? ? ? ? ? Explain please? :-D - I think that came out wrongly \ And no... just slip it back in then jokes thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 cracking jokes here :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 yeah,got another somewhere to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SMurF Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 A horse, a chicken & a Harley On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to n o avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the far mer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? ....... (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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