joke of the day!!

[Kris]

HAHA like all of them keep em coming

[Lord Ferguson]

Now English FTF members don't take offence its only a joke

Scottish  man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a

pool with his hand.

The  Scottish  man shouts

" Awa ye feel hxor thats full O coos Sharn "

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow Poo

The man shouts back

"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The  Scottish  man shouts back

"Use both hands, you'll get more in."

:D like it Bill - very funny

[batcher]

other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!" 

[batcher]

imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept their tag line....tesco condoms-every little helps. nike condoms-just do it.peugeot condoms-the ride of your life.kfc condoms-finger licking good.ever ready condoms-keep going and going and going.pringles condoms-once you pop you cant stop.burgerking condoms-home of the wopper.andrex condoms soft strong and very long.polo the one with the hole. oops s**t.

[COWBOY]

Why do ladies spoil lovely blonde hair by dying the roots black ?

[JohnP]

apologies if this has been on before....

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough.

         

As the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, most of Essex and anywhere in Wales.

[noel]

appologies if this is a re-post

>

> Shopping at Tesco

>

> One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like

hell.

> I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

>

> "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.>

> There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.

> Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's

> wrong, and what to do about it.

> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and

> better than a doctor and you get Club card points."

>

> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up an asks for the

> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds

> later, the computer ejects a printout:- "You have tennis elbow. Soak

> your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in

> two weeks."

> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

> began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap

> water, a turd from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter

> and the cat and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

>

> Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

> He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the

results.

> The computer printed the following:-

>

> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

> 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.

> 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

> 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

> 5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

> 6) And if you don't stop wanking, your elbow will never get better.

>

> Thank you for shopping at Tesco's

Noel

[BC]

Now any irish forum members please do not take offence

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds ." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,  "Did you follow my instructions?"

  The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from fookin' skippin'......

[nashmach]

Now any irish forum members please do not take offence

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds ." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,  "Did you follow my instructions?"

  The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from fookin' skippin'......

> > >

We are not that tick

:D

(well most of us aren't )

[Udimore]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own

platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em".

And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

[JC]

Italiano allora ?!  :D

[BC]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived      happily ever after in Toronto.

        However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

        One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.  Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

        Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts!  The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

        On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... 

        (Please scroll down)       

   

   

     

   

   

        What were you thinking?  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! 

        Now get back to your emails.   

        I don't know about you sometimes!

[Leakeyvale]

On Partnership Matters

1 a dog is never late for dinner

2 a dog is always interested in a cuddle

3 a  dog loves you unconditionally

4 a dog really does know its way without stopping and asking for directions

5 a dog is always loyal

6 a dog is usually obedient

7 a dog won't interrogate you tomorrow morning if you come in late tonight

8 a dog loves it when your mother comes for the weekend

9 a dog does not mind how long you spend on the phone

10 a dog does not mind how many other dogs you have been with

11 it is easy to train a dog

12 a dog loves to see you come home with lots of shopping bags

[BGU]

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police Truncheon?

One is for Cunning Stunts..........

[FB]

had to be done > >

[Gav836]

> WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED??

>

>

>

> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

>

> 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'

>

> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

>

> 'FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

>

> THE WIFE ASKS,

>

> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.'

>

> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

>

> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.'

>

> FINE, SHE SAYS,

>

> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?' THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.'

>

> 'I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS', HE SAYS. 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! '

>

> SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

>

> 'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

>

> SHE SAID,

>

> 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

>

> HE SAID,

>

> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?'

>

> SHE REPLIED,

>

> 'HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

:D :D

[Deerepower]

BBC News reports a wild, ugly looking muppet on the loose, There is a ?1,000,000 reward for it's capture.

You know I need the money, so where the hell are you hidding?? 

[PDH]

Cheese Scones

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.  While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the Kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.    His parched lips parted.  He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at The edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....................

P**s off"  She said, "They're for the funeral"

[powerrabbit]

Sex maniac rushes into a fastening and fixings factory's work clothes laundry annex and has his wicked way with four of the women staff and then runs off at a high rate of knots.

Headline in the next morning's paper.

'Nut screws washers and bolts'.

[THEBRITFARMER]

A Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later, the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.  The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers!  The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.  Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.  Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang-raped and beaten, your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

[Lord Ferguson]

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police Truncheon?

One is for Cunning Stunts..........

:D superb... I love those sort of jokes  :D

[JC]

9  WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

2. Five  Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five  minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a  non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks  you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and  arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

6. That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's  okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you  will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[texas]

9  WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

2. Five  Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five  minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a  non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks  you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and  arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

6. That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's  okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you  will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

I like this one. Those words are not unknow to my

Texas

[FB]

9  WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 

2. Five  Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five  minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a  non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks  you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and  arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 

6. That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's  okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you  will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

that explains so much now! :D

[texas]

that explains so much now! :D

Be glad you know now, and you are just married. It cost my 7 years to find this out ;D

Texas