The Tractor Twitcher Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Why did the chicken cross the road?.......... ........It didn't according to FIFA... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick henton Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Whats the difference between the england football team and a teabag? the teabag stays in the cup longer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted July 5, 2010 Share Posted July 5, 2010 The Nigerian goalkeeper has offered to refund all travelling fans after their early exit from the World Cup. All he needs is their Bank details, sort code and their mother's maiden name.......... ;) ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 [table][tr][td] [table] [tr][td] [table] [tr][td] [table] [tr][td] [table] [tr][td] [table] [tr][td] [table] [tr][td] One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Liverpool .' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. ------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'[/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/t][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 Scottish thought for the day: A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year. Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!! This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud to Be Scottish doesn't it! Cheers!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewHollandChick Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 joke of the day One day in a land far far away......The organs of a guys body had a meeting to decide which one was incharge......Frist the brain said I'm the boss because I control the bodys every move....Then the leggs said so what brain with out me you could not move around at all so I should be in charge........Next the eyes piped up and said well you 2 would be stuffed if it was'nt for me showing you the way to walk so I'm the boss and that's that.....Then the rectum said you lot have got it all wrong,it should be me in charge because I'm the boss of removing the waste.Then all the other organs laughed at the poor old rectum so in a huff he shut down tight and would not work at all.3 days later the brain had a head ace the eyes keep watering and the leggs had a hell of job runing any more so they all gave up and let the rectum be the boss of the poor guys body...... The morel of this story...............You all ways end up working for an arss hole!...... Ahh... thats great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinycoll Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 Two ducks walked into a bar .....animal control is promptly called and the ducks are released at a suitable pond Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a strip tease when the farmhand walks in and catches him in the act. "What the f*ck!!" exclaims the farmhand. "Oh" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised that I should do something sexy to a tractor" :of :of :of :of :of PS read it out loud ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom ?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin". He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out! The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".. The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 Have you been to Lancaster today Bill? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 Have you been to Lancaster today Bill? Ahup lad...er I mean no Barry. Was sent them by a Londoner and well I sent them on to a yorkshire lass from Rotherham that works here and she does speak a bit like that ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tommy Gough Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 A man walks into a bar and puts three ducks on the bar whilst he is drinking. Soon the man is wasted and passes out on the floor. The bar is quite quiet so the barman turns to the first duck and asks 'whats your name then?' The duck replies 'I'm Hughie.' The barman asks Hughie what he had been doing that day. Hughie replies' Not much. Went to the park. Been in and out of puddles all day.' The barman then turns to the second duck and asks the same questions. The second duck is called Louie. Louie hadn't done much. He'd been to the park and in and out of puddles all day. The barman then turns to the third duck and says 'you must be stewie then.' The duck replies 'NO. my name is Puddles and if you ask about my day I'll kill you!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted August 19, 2010 Share Posted August 19, 2010 From my youngest son. If these have been posted before I apologise in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leakeyvale Posted August 19, 2010 Share Posted August 19, 2010 next two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. ]As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon Posted September 10, 2010 Share Posted September 10, 2010 Christ, I hope i never get stopped for a DD test by you Mike..!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted September 24, 2010 Share Posted September 24, 2010 I'm banned from Sainsbury's - Didn't like shopping there anyway! Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 I thought perhaps someone might have posted this already.....? ....did you see what the Pope's private plane was called.... PRAIRFORCE 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted October 1, 2010 Share Posted October 1, 2010 I'm banned from Sainsbury's - Didn't like shopping there anyway! Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's Bum and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. brilliant :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda cheesed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off........... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you know what's coming don't you ? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ she flew off, saying....... "Just follow the yellow-**** toad !! " ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes. The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read....... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying possible pits, and shivelling shot.At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.."Myst all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! :of :of :of :of :of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 What's worse than being captured by the Taliban? Being rescued by the Americans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.