the other green Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Thanks for sharing that Udimore. Now THAT'S a complaint letter! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Are you sure it shouldn't be signed "Dave", thats the type of letter my old man likes to write to just about anyone he gets the chance to!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 :D :D - some crackers on here now lads - as for you Barry... fruit & veg letter indeed... We don't have customer complaints anymore... now we've lost all our customers... anyone got any jobs going Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims ?So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request? The Lone Ranger responds, I?d like to speak to my horse. The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers into Silver?s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The next morning, the Indian Chief admits he?s impressed. You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request? The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and again he whispers into the horse?s ear. As before, Silver gallops off across the plains and over the horizon. Later that evening, and to the Chiefs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Rangers tent, and spends the night. The following morning, the Indian Chief is again impressed. You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is you last request. The Lone Ranger responds, I?d like to speak to my horse, alone. The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Rangers tent. Once they?re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen carefully, for the last time, I said ........ ....... .... ... .. . . . BRING POSSE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Now this may well be a few of you weirdos A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. The lawyer asked, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at thescene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule,Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?" ===================================== An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid." ==================================== THEY WALK AMONG US: IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS. IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"! She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger ! side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi! They walk among us .. AND REPRODUCE ( Now that is a very scary thought)!! ;) Cant be a Ford Dealership though :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Two scumbag sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's fukin nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah, what's it bleedin called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the *** does that mean?At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me, does that smell like cum to you?". What's the most confusing day of the year for a Scumbag? Fathers Day! What do you call a Scumbag in a tastfully decorated house? The burglar! Why are Scumbags like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. What do you call a female Scumbag in a white tracksuit? The bride. What do you say to a Scumbag at work? Can I have a big mac please? How do you identify the bride at a Scumbag wedding? She is the most pregnant one. What do Scumbags use as protection during sex? A bus shelter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
schw84 Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 by scum bag do u mean chav? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 yeah whatever,I dont understand your foreign english language Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 topical one this....at the zoo.... The Bear and the Lion were boasting When I roar, says the Bear, the whole forest trembles with fear When I roar says the Lion, everything in the jungle shivers with fright A Chicken in the vicinity overhears this.... Thats nothing, it says, I just have to cough and the whole country s**ts itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pingu Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 :D :D classsic just classic great work guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruskigman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 what do you get if you throw a piano down a mine? a flat minor! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruskigman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 a blonde is going on holiday, so she packs her car and says her goodbyes and so on. she is driving towards the airport when all of a sudden she sees a sign saying '' airport left '' so she turned round and went home again!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruskigman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 a horse walks into a bar and the bar man says, why the long face!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruskigman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 another on to end the day. guess who i bumped into in the optitions? everyone ,i didnt have my glasses on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun-gi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun-gi thats bad :D :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So,instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,'I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties,honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat sl49' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete **** like you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 ; ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 tidy jase tidy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I came down this morning and the wife had made me a fried breakfast, bacon.sausage,eggs,beans and a big fat smelly old sock? I said "What the hell is there a sock on the plate for" She replied with "you bloody wanted it" "Did I hell" i said "you bloody did, you came home drunk last night - picked up my hand and said darling can you cook my sock" :D What did the policeman say to the stomach? "Your under a vest" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THEBRITFARMER Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 "The Lie-Clock" A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." :D :D :D Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? " His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think...eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK...What do you think?" He says..."Well, last night Fred came i n for the Vaseline and...I think I gave him my airplane glue." :D :D :D The wife came home from work just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed in the back yard. Next, she put his penis in a vice grip. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "STOP!! STOP!! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!!!" The wife, calmly and with a gleam of revenge in her eyes, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope!! I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to do !!!" :D :D :D Shipwrecked A Texas cowboy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man removed his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening. The sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, ah yes, the perfect night for romance. Pretty soon, the cowboy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in. Ever so cautiously, he leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Crackers mate crackers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Subject: Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this on over to your friends, but reading it has been too exhausting so I'm sending it by e-mail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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