Udimore Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 funny!!!, sure Udi will have a comeback :D Marky when i've finished with him :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 NO WAY :o - If you dye my hair ginger Barry I'll never seeak to you again :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 yeah but at least the nose suits you \ :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her. After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sister he went to Arnotts and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties. Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "Dear Ciara, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love Fergus P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
james f Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I che! cked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I've just read in the paper that Evil Kenevel's latest stunt has gone drastically wrong, his attempt to jump 300 black men has failed....... The upshot being that the local council have thanked him for laying 300 metres of road with the cats eyes already in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I've just read in the paper that Evil Kenevel's latest stunt has gone drastically wrong, his attempt to jump 300 black men has failed....... The upshot being that the local council have thanked him for laying 300 metres of road with the cats eyes already in. ;D ;D ;D ;D ive got sore tonsils stop it it hurts ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I've just read in the paper that Evil Kenevel's latest stunt has gone drastically wrong, his attempt to jump 300 black men has failed....... The upshot being that the local council have thanked him for laying 300 metres of road with the cats eyes already in. my sides are hurting after that mate, :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 :D :D its always worth popping in here throughout the day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Last Friday, my mate Seamus decided to have a pint with the lads on the way home from work, especially as it was pay day. Well, one thing lead to another...and another ...and a curry...and a lap-dancing club....and a mega hangover and so on till he finally arrived home on Sunday afternoon. You can imagine the scene; "where the **** have you been for the last 2 days" was only the start. Seamus got a right ear-bashing, finishing with "in that case you won't see me for a couple of days". Sure enough, on Monday and Tuesday Seamus didn't see his wife. Wednesday neither. But by Thursday the swelling had just gone down enough for him to make her out..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 yeah but at least the nose suits you \ :D :D :D - I missed that post - not you as well Marcus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 He's putting his nose in where it isn't wanted isn't he Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 He's putting his nose in where it isn't wanted isn't he Its ok Luke.... if I see him I'll just look down my nose at him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 :D That's the way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Job not to really :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Simon Weston has set up a new website for war veterans - www.friendsreignited.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 :o :o :o \ \ \ \ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Simon Weston has set up a new website for war veterans - www.friendsreignited.com ;D ;D Great that one Tris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJB1 Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 struggled with that one but got there in the end :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 :D simple things! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 2 old men sitting in a retirement home chatting; "I'm full of aches and pains today Alf, how do you feel"? "Like a newborn baby Fred" Alf replies. "Really, a newborn baby"? says Fred. "Yep, no hair, no teeth and I've just $hit myself" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She desperately wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!' Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IH885XLMAN Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 Got some bad news today .....I've got that bird flu I know its bird flu because I've started talking b@ll@cks, wearing make up & I cant park the f##king car Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 Got some bad news today .....I've got that bird flu I know its bird flu because I've started talking b@ll@cks, wearing make up & I cant park the f##king car isnt some of that normal for you though :D :D : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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