Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 Ben Holmes has just been given a medal for dragging a drowning man out of the River Thames, He has had newspaper coverege, TV interviews etc and has been branded a local hero. Everyone was congratulating him, and shaking his hand etc, everything was going well. Next week the town mayor came out to Holmes and said " Ben you know that bloke you dragged out the Thames, I'm afraid he has hung himself and died". "Don't be silly" said Ben "I hung him there to dry!" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 cheers Luke :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 :D No problems! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?" :D :D - I just love a joke about Poo :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 A Yorkshire bloke is drinking In A New York Bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Yorkshire bloke returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says: "Had him circumcised". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil2860 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet." "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.. . . . "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... "Ees..... Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and complains " I get sexually aroused when I look in the mirror" "I'm not surprised, you're a c***" replies the doctor...... : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and complains " I get sexually aroused when I look in the mirror" "I'm not surprised, you're a c***" replies the doctor...... : :D :D (Laugh out load, rolling on floor.....) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Hope u hit ur head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FNHIR Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, ***** cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!" "Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome". "Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man. "It's not unusual", replied the doctor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MODELFARMER Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 TAXI FOR FNHIR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FNHIR Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Shut up Ricky What do you call a pig with three eyes? Pi-i-ig! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGU Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Marky goes to the worlds largest tractor show. He keeps sneaking under the ropes to sit on the tractors. Security throw him off of the tractors several times, but he sneaks back and sits on the Massey. This time they throw him out of the whole arena and ban him form ever returning. Marky is distraught a stops at the pub on the way home to drown his sorrows. Whilst he is sitting in the pub in front of an open fire a log falls out and set the carpet alight. The bar staff rush over and exstinguish the flames, but the whole pub is full of smoke and no one knows what to do. Marky gets up and say "leave it to me" He takes a big deep breath and inhales all of the smoke, walks to the window and blows it outside. The bar staff are amazed "How did you do that?" Marky "Oh I'm an Ex-Tractor fan" :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powerstarâ„¢ Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 I Wish My Grass Was Suicidal Then It Would Cut Itself :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Marky goes to the worlds largest tractor show. He keeps sneaking under the ropes to sit on the tractors. Security throw him off of the tractors several times, but he sneaks back and sits on the Massey. This time they throw him out of the whole arena and ban him form ever returning. Marky is distraught a stops at the pub on the way home to drown his sorrows. Whilst he is sitting in the pub in front of an open fire a log falls out and set the carpet alight. The bar staff rush over and exstinguish the flames, but the whole pub is full of smoke and no one knows what to do. Marky gets up and say "leave it to me" He takes a big deep breath and inhales all of the smoke, walks to the window and blows it outside. The bar staff are amazed "How did you do that?" Marky "Oh I'm an Ex-Tractor fan" :D :D :D cracker that one - And you can tell it to kids as well :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udimore Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ihatepoundland Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Marky goes to the worlds largest tractor show. He keeps sneaking under the ropes to sit on the tractors. Security throw him off of the tractors several times, but he sneaks back and sits on the Massey. This time they throw him out of the whole arena and ban him form ever returning. Marky is distraught a stops at the pub on the way home to drown his sorrows. Whilst he is sitting in the pub in front of an open fire a log falls out and set the carpet alight. The bar staff rush over and exstinguish the flames, but the whole pub is full of smoke and no one knows what to do. Marky gets up and say "leave it to me" He takes a big deep breath and inhales all of the smoke, walks to the window and blows it outside. The bar staff are amazed "How did you do that?" Marky "Oh I'm an Ex-Tractor fan" :D What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An extractor fan! (works better when you say it, but not that well ) My lawyers will be in contact nice intro though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 a visual one for a change..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FB Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 so old but still so funny! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 a visual one for a change..... How did you get that picture?? [ [ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I dunno really !!!! (nothing to do with 'Ull schools being amongst the lowest achievers in the country though ?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NIGEL FORD Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 has anyone visited www.Optrex.com......... wait for it.... they say it's a site for sore eyes. OK driver.. HIT IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 :D :D :D - nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Paddy & Mick are out hunting one day. Suddenly Paddy collapses in a heap - motionless. Mick immediately dials 999. "How can we help?" asks the operator. "It's me mate Paddy" shouts Mick panicking, "He's just collapsed - dead as a dodo, what can I do?" "Calm down Mick" says the operator, "let's make sure he's dead first" At that, the operator hears a gun shot. "Right says Mick - I've made sure he's dead, now what do I do" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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