joke of the day!!

[The Tractor Twitcher]

I've seen this one doing the rounds recently and found it mildly amusing:

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire:

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair?

A - Black

B - Brown

C - Blonde

D - Ginger

Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

[BC]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £200

New shirt - £30

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[BC]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Scot are in the same bar. 

When  the  Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,  pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,  'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with  the same one twice.' 

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the  air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots  the glass to pieces. He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't  need to drink with the same one twice  either.' 

The  Scot, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots  the  Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and  calling for a refill, he says, 'In  Scotland we have so many f**king illegal  immigrants that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'

God  Bless Scotland .

[BC]

THE 3 BUCKIE (SCOTLAND) LOBSTERS

REALLY SORRY GUYS

Three lobsters from Buckie on holiday in Majorca.Second day they decide to go down the beach to sunbathe.

Lobster one says 'anither fine day eh'

to which lobsters two and three say 'aye' and nod in agreement.

After about a hour of sunbathing Lobster one says 'Christ its waar'm e day init'

Lobster two says

'aye min,i'm sweating buckets here'

Lobster three adds

'me in'a,think ill go doon to the water and cool aff for a whil'ie'

'yoos coming ?'

Lobsters one and two say

'na,yer a'right,we'll bide here'

So the day is getting hotter and hotter and the two remaining Lobsters are just dripping of sweat and have got bone dry mouths.

Lobster two says

'im really waarm,you funcy a ice-cream ?'

Lobster one replies

'aye yer too bloody right i do'

So lobster two goes off to purchase some ice-cream.Ten minutes later he returns with two large ice-cream's and hands one to Lobster one.Just at that point Lobster three returns after his cooling dip in the sea and spies the two of them with ice-creams.

'far's mine?' he says rather piddled as he never got one.

Lobster two says

'well you wer'na here as you were in the sea cooling aff so we niver thought you wid want ane'

To which Lobster three says

'Ya couple o SHELLFISH b@rstards'

I'll get me coat

[BC]

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again ? much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door..

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, Mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

?No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?"

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

[BC]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down Shintoist house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

[Jdeere6910]

A farmer has two cows in with the bull but there is a rep coming so he tells his son to watch over the cows and tell him if anything happens.

So the farmer is talking with the rep when his son comes in and says ''dad... the bull just bonked the black cow.''

The farmer is horrified at what his son has said and takes him to a side and says '' son you cannot say that sort of thing when we have company, you must say the bull supriesed the white cow.''

Anyway the son understands and goes back to resume his watch.

About ten minutes later he comes back and the farmer says ''Son did the bull suprise the white cow?''

The young boy replies, he said '' It sure did its only gone and bonked the black cow again!!''

[Gav836]

A farmer, named Mark, was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Mark looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Mark.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Mark says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Government Minister", says Mark. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I am; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.. .... Now give me back my dog.

[allis8550]

If a man stands in the deepest forest and speaks out lound, with no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

[DBfan]

Three paddys

paddy english/irish and scotishman

Are about to be gased (killed)

The exicutioners ask Paddy the english man what he wants before he dies

he replies two blond women

Paddy the scotish man asks for the same

They then ask paddy the irish man what he wanted

he says a piano

So paddy the english/scotish man get the two women

and paddy the irish man gets the piano and starts playing a tune the gass is then turned on for an hour

the exicutioners come back an hour later and paddy the irish man is still playing the piano

they ask him how he is still alive

paddy says Tunes help you breath

[NIGEL FORD]

Where do most women have curly hair?

Africa.....

[BC]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists

> found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the

> conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

> than 100 years ago.

>

> Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English

> archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story

> published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

>

> "English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,

> have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech

> communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

>

> One week later, the Banffshire Advertiser in Buckie, Scotland,

> reported the following:

>

> "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie Braes ,

> Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he

> found absolutely **** all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130

> years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

>

> Just makes you proud to be a Scot!

>

[Barry]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was unhappy that he didn't receive any Easter Eggs.

His secretary said, "Are you ok Arnie? Aren't you upset?"

He replied, "Don't worry, I still love Easter baby!"

[Simon]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was unhappy that he didn't receive any Easter Eggs.

His secretary said, "Are you ok Arnie? Aren't you upset?"

He replied, "Don't worry, I still love Easter baby!"

Ouch.....  \ 

tumbleweed....   

[Simon]

Don't know where to post this so this will do.........

Genius...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921

[unkelfergus]

Don't know where to post this so this will do.........

Genius...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921

Absolutely brilliant Simon,......doesn't tickle your fancy then........

[Simon]

Absolutely brilliant Simon,......doesn't tickle your fancy then........

It was a belter wasn't it! Sadly ebay have removed it now, shame, I normally save the good ones but never got round to it, and that was one of the best!

[richo]

Here you are Simon, its now got a large following on facebook as well! Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you've saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran's idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain't gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I've made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.

Dig out yer favourite unwashed "Umbro" hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the "Street Pharmacist" and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.

Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone'd see 'em. doesn't get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you'll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran's inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new "wheels" then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella's. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible "Drum & Bass" Cd and the throbbing out the 6x9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.

To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in "Air Max" white it really doesn't complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You'll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn't get where you are today by being helpful, did you?

I'm quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of **** and look a complete *****. I'd much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you've made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram's of smack or coke, but ideally I'd need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I'm easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.

For any female buyer I'm offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven't already got your "Tramp Stamp" that is.

If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn't going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you'll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic "LIDL" brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain't never gonna take you alive in this.

The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don't forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this "fanny magnet". You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD's as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I'll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?

Don't let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.

[griffithsbros]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[tractorbob]

ha,ha,ha,liked that one :laugh: :laugh:

[griffithsbros]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really p*ssed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

[robbo]

        ESSEX HURRICANE  APPEAL

          A major  hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale  hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around  aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

            The hurricane decimated  the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless  collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond  repair.

            Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were  disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM  reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still  trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened  in Basildon.

            One  resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said, "It was such a  shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My  youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still  shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next  morning."

            Unsurprisingly, looting, mugging and car crime  were unaffected and carried on as normal.

            The British Red  Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to  help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble  and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books,  jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from  Poundland.

            HOW CAN YOU HELP?

            This appeal  is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to  be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed  include:

            Fila or Burberry baseball caps

              Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

            Shell suits  (female)

            White sport socks

            Rockport  boots

            Any other items usually sold in  Primark.

            Food parcels are needed too. Required foodstuffs  include:

            Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream,  cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew, and 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation  forms.

            £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a  family of nine. £5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those  affected.

            **Breaking news**

            Rescue  workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are  you bleeding from?' they asked.

            “ROMFORD" said the girl,  "woss that gotta do wiv you?

[MJB1]

after many years research scientists have finally worked out what makes women happy

sod all 

[Udimore]

What's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cherly Cole ?

The Volcano is still blowing Ash  :D

Sorry 

[BC]

Topical but rather cheesy Thomas ;D