david_scrivener Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Libyan war plane shot down over eastern Libya. In a statement from The Pentagon, the USA has apologised for the incident. "We thought it was British." (A rather bitter joke doing the rounds referencing the too many 'friendly fire' incidents during the Iraq war. Jokes don't have to be nice.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gav836 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 The Real meaning of The Haynes Manuals instructions Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you? Haynes: Should remove easily. Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size). Haynes: Ease ... Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ... Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating (simple). Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert). Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw. Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain. Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one. Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere. Haynes: Grease well before refitting. Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease. Haynes: See illustration for details Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off. PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdman Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 ive got a good one ..............the government....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Tesco's have announced that they are to start a dating agency.............................now you can have a bag for life! ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claaspower Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ferguson Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction! :D .. that is brilliant :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claaspower Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Nice to see someone got it ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unkelfergus Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 very similar sounding to what we will wake up with wednesday morning down here......... ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massey Boys Mum Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 and this time I can't be blamed for smut on this forum!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractorman810 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 so how did they find bin laden?? pretty simple really, through his sony playstation account :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jdeere6910 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 and now for a small U.S (not so) friendly fire joke Today the Americans have announced their most successful mission in the middle east to date, not only did they manage to kill Bin Laden but they managed to complete the task without shooting each other as well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted May 10, 2011 Share Posted May 10, 2011 DIVORCE versus MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling. Take celibacy, for example. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?' Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claaspower Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 ;D ;D Very good Robbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnP Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 ...I thought that this one was worth forwarding...:0) (from the "West Australian" newspaper) PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in East Perth. The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that a man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store. When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe. The suspect was transported by ambulance to Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run away after the stabbing. One of the Troopers said, "He was a clumsy b **** d." </blockquote> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 An interesting fact about Penguins. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead Penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the Penguin is a very ritualistic bird that lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The Penguin is very committed to it's family. It mates for life and maintains a form of compassionate contact with it's offspring throughout its life. If a Penguin is found dead on the ice surface other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice using their vestigial wings and beaks until the hole is big enough for the dead bird to be rolled in and buried. The male Penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing; "Freeze a jolly good Fellow, Freeze and jolly good Fellow". Then they kick him in the ice hole. :of :of :D :D :D : : : You didn't really believe that I knew anything about Penguins did you? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking......... .............and then I saw her face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman... 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears histhroat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?', To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewis11 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman... 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears histhroat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?', To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.’ hahha now that is a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Sky News: "Police claim to have arrested the riot ringleader." Gavin from Autoglass was unavailable for comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdman Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120." ;D good one robbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_scrivener Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Kid: "Mum, can I wear a mini-skirt today?" Mum: "No!" Kid: "Can I wear lipstick?" Mum: "No!" Kid: "Can I wear high heels?" Mum: "No!" Kid: "But Mum! I'm 18 years old!" Mum: "I know John, I know........" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deere-est Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s~~t!!!?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catkom3 Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 A Lawyer and a Senior A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. You know you're going to send this one on. Don't mess with Seniors! Regards Joe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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