joke of the day!!

[Lord Ferguson]

;D  - that's brilliant.. a real laugh out load one that John  ;D

[The Tractor Twitcher]

Brilliant read John, that made me chuckle rather a lot. 

[The Tractor Twitcher]

Just been reminiscing with many entertaining sketches from one of my favourite comedy shows "Chewin the Fat" on Youtube, from the "Big Man," to "Rory and Alastair," and this........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ILndvRyPPQ

[BC]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of McEwans.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scotsman who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!

[tractorbob]

if your girfreind/wife has put on to much weight ,get then to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 at night ..by the end of the week the fat get will be 42 miles away 

[harris411]

The exam answer has just brightened up my day, pure quality , thanks for posting, loads more here although i don't reckon anything comes close http://funnyexamanswers.com/

[JohnP]

A long seasonal one but worth it? One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night...The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man

replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the

shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle

bells!...." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Rieko]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. 

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No!  Five pounds!"  He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.  As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,  Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. 

Sure enough, there was the hooker. 

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight Plonker?!"

[JohnP]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,

You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Newcastle supporter, and anything French!'

A great joke because you can substitute your own bigotry !!!

[robbo]

'Elf and Safety at Christmas

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of

allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice

cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a

suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records

Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby

Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and

be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking

commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered

safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also

consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a

venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,

permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To

avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request

that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise

nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety

regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate

seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and

orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that

due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they

should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd

observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /

her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been

issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,

UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is

inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of

any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer

from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary

action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full

investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on

full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that

a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the

guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many

rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that

due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph

are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne

particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled

'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To

comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement

of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be

redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,

gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential

risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift

alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients

name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars

in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder

or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice

regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the

RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will

require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are

also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services?

[DMullen]

26 ways to impress a girl     

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say you say "you better be". Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then, when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for ******* and asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words @#%$ you, and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then, take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then, drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye". The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball or waterpolo.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "no she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one to the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say no it's just the rain. Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters, and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just

whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know

she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the

present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one

that much, but I think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,

promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will

make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're

going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't

call.

[Massey Boys Mum]

Yuck! Where did this strange yarn come from? If this represents your own philosophy, particuarly with 22, I don't think you are going to have any luck with women!

[DMullen]

Yuck! Where did this strange yarn come from? If this represents your own philosophy, particuarly with 22, I don't think you are going to have any luck with women!

Not my own views of course    its a joke, thus being in the the topic ' joke of the day !! ' 

[MODELFARMER]

http://www.farmtoysforum.com/forum/index.php/topic,29581.new.html#new

[robbo]

May have been posted before but still made me chuckle  ;D ;D

Subject: Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,

as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough

to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want

to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix

the problem but it was expensive.

However, a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,

put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in  the

world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next  to my ear

is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which

point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue

counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere

in Wales .

[NIGEL FORD]

I've just had an e-mail from a lady asking "I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £100.....is that too dear?" .....

[Luke DeWitt]

I saw this on another site and couldn't resist posting. 

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blond says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

(scroll down) 

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[Blue man]

How did the Blonde die drinking milk??

The cow fell on her

[Massey Boys Mum]

I like this one - shows the blondes revenge:

Blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the

rancher says to Amy ... The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

 

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of

cows  and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her

shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[griffithsbros]

from rhysmassey135

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer, the farmer says...

" oi wants wan of them dayvorces"

lawyer " do you have grounds?"

farmer "yes, i gots me 40 acres"

lawyer "no you dont understand, do you have a suit?"

farmer " yes, i wears it to church on sundays"

lawyer " no, i mean do you have a case?"

farmer " no, but i got a john deere"

lawyer "do you have a grudge?"

farmer "yes, that's where i park my john deere"

lawyer "does your wife beat you up?"

farmer " no, we both get up at 5:30"

lawyer gets annoyed and tries one last question...

"is your wife a nagger?"

farmer " no she's a white girl but the baby's a nagger that's why i wants a f***ing dayvorce!"

[NIGEL FORD]

so this guy goes to the doctors

" I think I'm going deaf doctor, I keep mishearing things"

"So describe the symptoms to me"

"Well there's this big yellow fat one called Homer...."

[Tractorman810]

Paul mariner still insisting plymouth can avoid relegation this season ;D

[NIGEL FORD]

' sounds better when spoken but......

a blacksmith was on his way out to a job with a new "hoodie"apprentice and asked

"so have you ever shoed a horse before?"

"nah,....but I told a donkey to f*** off once"

[Barry]

For an easy adrenaline rush, try eating After-Eight mints at around half past seven.

[unkelfergus]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"Whats wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.

"he came in for cough syrup but I couldnt find any, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

"You bloody idiot" said the chemist, "you cant treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" the assistant replied,...."look at him ,..he darent bloody well cough now!!"